Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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