if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
