just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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