woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
