I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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