and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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