Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
