just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
