I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
