Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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