i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize