I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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