Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just found a bag of teeth...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
