Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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