I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
