Betty ford says i'm here all night
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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