so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
there is glitter all over my balls
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
