carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
