Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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