I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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