i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
