I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
