Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
