I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
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