I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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