I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
