I can tuck mytits in my pants
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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