you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
