I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Someone shit on the floor
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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