D3 body, D1 cock
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
