watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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