i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
