i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
