U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
