Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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