Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
