yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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