If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm at about main and main street
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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