even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
