Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
