she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
