I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
