I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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