I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize