when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
