So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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