The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
