I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
