i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
