Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
