my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
