Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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