Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
