Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
