Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
