When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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